Alone
by Kusanagi-Kiba
Summary: His death was a shock to her, he never died...not before, he always managed to pull through, to survive!...how could this happen. She shook, trembling.his body was becoming colder, "I love you...", he spoke weakly...  Based on episode 22/10.spoiler.
1. His Passing

Alone.

Everyone had already died...but Hijikata...Hijikata was different...but, somehow he was dieing now, and she didn't know what to do, what to do but cry and pretend everything is okay, but every person and thing she ever known to love was gone, her world was gone.

She tried to wake him. He had killed Kazama, but he fought still injured, using his rasetsu strength in addition-it was a huge toll on his body-and Chizuru wished they could have just walked away instead of facing him now. He lay on her lap, smiling sweetly with a tone of sadness. His eyes were full of regret and pain, yet satisfied for some reason unknown to her, as if to say "everything is alright now", because here was dying just when things were getting better...why did he have to? why? It's not fair!

Chizuru's vision became fuzzy as her tears streamed in agony, her voice briefly shaken by the sorrow weakening her spirit.

"Don't leave me...don't...leave..." her tears burst like falls.."I love you!...why?...why does this have to-happen to me,..to us?" she chocked, shaking.

"Chizuru...I just, wanted to protect you..." he spoke quietly, his voice weakening.

"YOU DID! I just wanted us to live in peace, I wanted to see you live, I wanted us to be together..!" she sobbed.

"I'm sorry..." He frowned briefly, his face full of guilt at what he had done.

"Don't be sorry...just come back, come back! Please, don't die! it's all I want!..." Chizuru body shoke further "...but now no one will come after you...I wish I could be with you longer, I wish I didn't drink that potion, for even though I won battles with it, I have broken a life important to me-and before, I had no idea how much you were"

Chizuru let out a cry. "You always lived, and you still outlived everyone...It feels so strange-I feel like-" a soft, cool hand touched her face.

"I don't want to see you like this, Chizuru...I want you to carry on living, I'll watch over you...because..I love you"  
If anything else could make her body well up more reaction to the pain she felt, it was just that. Being told he loved her, at his last words-of all the time they spend near one another, Death chose to make this the time they finally realized what they could have had together.

"I want you to smile for me at least once, okay?" His voice began to crack, he was beginning to fade away.

"Hijikata!" she clenched his body, staring into his eyes desperately, searching for some hopeful way to bring him back somehow, hoping he was still with her.

"If you keep trembling like that, you are going to pass out, I can't have that" Hijikata managed a weak smile, brushing her hair from her face. He hoped his sene of humour would lighten her up, a hopeless attempt.

"Don't say that, I'd do anything to have you return to me...!" She cried out desperately.

"I just want to know you will live on and make the best of what...you have left...Promise me, you'll try your hardest. Do it for us, for every man you saw die...please...Chizuru...live on, let us guide you-..." Hijikata held his breathe for a moment, clearly losing himself. " Live your life to make up for all that is lost, I order you as the commander of the shinsengumi.."

"I-I can't be, how? without you-"

"You are strong, Chizuru...you could have left us many times, yet you followed us to the end of the harshest trails, to our deaths-you did not falter, but had hope. I want you to be strong"

"That was different!...you were all alive...but now, I have nothing to live for-my family is dead, and my only friends, my whole world...you" she trembled, yet calmed for a split second, like telling him what he meant to her took a weight off her shoulders.

"I know it's hard, but right now, there's nothing else we can do-if I could stop time, I'd be here for you...if I could become immortal, I'd stay with you-but sadly..., even my mortal body would meet it's time-we cannot escape death, only run...but the harder we run, the more we cheat and defy death...the harder it hits us, with tricks up it's sleeve to make sure of it-just like the rasetsu" He spoke more clearly, his intentions needing to be heard seriously.  
Just before he could speak much more, he gave her a smile , his eyes that said "I'm going now, please don't mourn any longer...take care..."

"HIJIKATA!"

"...good bye, Chizuru..." Hijikata's eyes began to leak of his true emotions. "I really wish I was here for you...my..love..."

"NO!" Chizuru leaned over him desperately, shaking him gently, she touched his face. She ran her fingers over him, carressing his hair and delicate facial features, his pupils diluting into the abyss.  
Chizuru began to shake again, trembling so hard it hurt, her body turning cold with shivers up her spine. "...No...Hijikata!..." she squeeked, her voice broken between tears and tense lungs. She smiled for him one last time, and than, she saw him smile. His lips began to relax as his soul departed from her embrace.  
Just as Chizuru began to reach the line between tears and freezing with shock, a warm hand carressed her face, gently.  
"Chizuru..."  
"!...Hijikata..." she looked down, and his body was than lifeless. She realized it couldn't have been him, for his hands were cold...but across from her stood a more life-filled image of her Hijikata, as if his last esence gave him one last chance to see her before leave. His spirit was warm, and filled her with bitter sweet feelings of relief and sorrow. She knew it wouldn't last...  
"I love you" He said...smiling. "Please make best of what you have, I'll always be watching over you...cherish what you have left" If she hadn't known better, she saw his spirit crying, his eyes now exposing what had been trying to hide from her, to prevent her from crying...but he couldn't withstand the pain any longer, and he said farewell to his lifeless body.

Chizuru wanted to speak, but her emotions still had welled up, and she burst them out. There was no words for what she was feeling, not a single character on a scroll, or a poem, or logical idea.

She managed a weak, warm smile in return, so while passing into his afterlife, may he witness the last of encounter of her, and he go in peace. He smiled back, and began to fade away.

Chizuru put her hand out to touch his that had felt so warm and delicate, but it was almost dissipated from the air as she felt his hand slowly dissapear. She tried to hold it..., but it was too late.

Carressing his lifeless body, she noticed a smile on his face stood firm, yet daintily vague. He looked peaceful, as if he was just sleeping, as if he would just...wake up, any moment. It was just a dream, he wasn't dead, he'd survive this, he always had.

She touched his hair, staring into his closed eyes, hoping...but deep down inside, she knew...

He was gone.

She was alone.

I mustve cried at least once watching the scene I expanded on, and two more while writing it :(...for I felt the cold shill go up my spine watching all this happen at once, as if this wasnt meant to happen...but somehow it's happening, somehow. hes dying...but I didn't want to believe it.  
Chizuru...I hope you make the best of it, somehow, in time. Heal.

I have never felt so depressed and hit by an anime ending in my life :(...not even fullmetal alchemist hurt so much.

Please stick around for my interpretation of Chizuru's life after Hijikata's death.

I will expand on this in a second chapter 


	2. Inner Turmoil

Chizuru wept until her eyes dried of tears. She couldn't smile any more. Hijikata had died with the will to live, a new will he discovered only hours ago being alone together, but he fell to his death before her eyes.

She wanted to admire how he died honorably, but in the end, she was left alone. Everything suddenly felt cold, she trembled. Sobs pushed through her already-red eyes. She did admire his effort, his will...but why did he have to die?. Like the darkness that shrouded the sakura, she felt it encase her very being.

Trying to make a smile of farewell, her face fought for the strength, it only lasted a second before her throat throbbed back what she could not cry. No effort seemed to wake up the motionless body on her lap, who had fallen when he had just understood the meaning to his life after the use of his blade.

The cherry blossom petals falling on the tragic pair began to fade in colour, those landing on Hijikata still bright as if to say their farewells. He was like the Sakura-During his last days he slowly fell in spirit and body as his close comrades left his side-until the day he himself bloomed his strongest with the woman he confessed being in love with before his fall-and than with that, he fell. The only difference, is he won't be back next year, like the sakura flower. The only thing left of his emotions would be the girl who will carry on his weight on her shoulders emotionally and spiritually, for she was closest to him in ways others were not.

The lifeless container resting on her lap was turning cold, only proving that his life had slipped away, now with no return.

There was no way to bring him back. Feeling the warmth leave under her fingers, she could not weep. She embraced the cold that enveloped her on it's own will. Like an element that followed death, cold easily entered those whom cannot stand tall any longer, vulnerable in every aspect of their human condition. It entered her. Chizuru froze.

She could no longer feel her tears on her face, but only empty, sorrow, dread and numb-inducing pain.

Chizuru watched over Hijikata's body for several hours. Nightfall by the sakura became pitch black. The tree began to fade it's brilliant glow, as to remind her all signs of life that she felt only hours ago was no longer in this world.

Chizuru felt her mind began to lose itself-how could she leave him? She can't leave his body...If she stands up, what will happen? What will become of Hijikata? He's dead, right? Was she falling into a trap of her own desperation, she could not stop the ideas from flowing-she was afraid and numbed about what to do next-how does one deal with a dead lover? They had barely enough time to spend alone together to have a satisfying leave- Laying on their lap...a man not only loved by her, but also admired by many. She can't just bury him here! Surely someone will find her...they will help her give him a proper ceremony...

but they can't just take him from her...

Even if there was a ceremony, how far would she need to go? Where would she take him? How would she get there?  
She could not leave him lying there, it frightened her beyond her normal understanding-something felt wrong...but she couldn't control it...there was no one but her. She searched her memories as fast as possible for a solution to help her-is anyone still alive?

"_Chizuru...you are strong,..remember? Live"_ the voice faded off "_live for me..." _a familiar voice echoed through her in her memory-it was Hijikata!...but he was, gone. His remnant words warmed her, sending her chills away for even just a minute. The blue that cradled her mind felt orange and comforting.

Her eyes that were beginning to turn translucent shades of themselves gained color, she gasped.

Hijikata...

"How could I leave you?...I don't know what to do, Hijikata...how do I do this alone? I want to watch you for the rest of my life-I'd stay by your side no matter what..! even if my body were to fall, I'd have peace..."

"_live..."_

"But...how-how can he expect me to live? I have no one! Everyone is dead...I was strong because you were there-I was strong for you...but now...now your gone..." Chizuru sobbed, her tears falling on his cold face.

She stayed by his side until morning, never faltering asleep. Even though she swayed and almost collapsed, she refused to leave his body without an eye on him. Cold had helped her awake, she began shivering but she never lay her head to rest.

While it may have been natural for humans in this time to move on and bury their loved ones, she could not bring herself to bury his body.

Burying him meant saying goodbye. Burying him meant never seeing him again-his face, his outfit that so matched him, that she admired and looked forward to seeing amongst the other men's plain dressage-his hair she adored, nor his smiles, frowns, or smell. She would never feel his head on her lap like it was now.

She would have to say goodbye. She would never look upon his face again, as if to be forgotten-just before she could think anymore, she gasped, tears escaping her like a broken dam trying to keep them. She cried not only of farewell and of her fear of saying goodbye- her lonliness-this meant she was forever a ghost walking on the ground her love was buried under-to walk wherever she might-that it might lead her somewhere, that maybe she would live...

...but for what?

She couldn't bare any of it. She was strong...she was...but not now, before this-this wasn't supposed to happen! Just when everything was beginning to fall together-they were going to be happy-were going to see next year's Sakura petals near winter-they had just made plans to never leave one another's side, no matter what...after all they went through to become so devoted..., she bawled. Was there nothing for her to live for anymore? Not a friend, not family?

She than remembered the soil itself she was on was alien-everyone on this side of the country was a stranger- to them, she was just a strangler-who would fall to her another casualty, why would they care about her? She had no value to anyone that was alive

Two days had passed. A weak and near-apathetic, hallucinating Chizuru had not moved an inch. Her legs were numb as her heart was filled with last winter's frost.

If it were not for her Oni heritage, by now surely she would become near death in her frail form. She was not ready to leave him, not yet...her body understood. She clung to her recently deceased partner like a protective mother watches the body of her murdered child against outside forces despite all odds.

She could not bring herself to leave him, not yet. Maybe when she was ready-

but for now, all she wanted was to quietly stay close to him, and only weep silently for his passing

"I wish you were still alive, I need you"


	3. Getting up

"_Live..."_

She woke inside with a jolt, thought she heard another familiar reminiscence. She could not tell if He was speaking through their feelings for one another, from wherever his spirit went, or if it was just her memory replaying words.. like a drug.

Reality began to slowly enter her mind as she remembered her dead lover was infact a dead body, laying lifelessly on her as if asleep. He died in peace knowing what he died for, she thought to herself, even if I was left alone-No one will chase me..' she managed a chuckle of defeat, laughing at herself, tears still streaming over the dried ones.-he managed to uphold saving her life to the very end-but to what end-he died before they even gotten to back to camp.

"...eventually he's going to decay...I guess, I have to do something...". She admitted. She thought of what to do. No one had come to find them. They should have assumed something happened-maybe they thought Her and Hijikata had escaped alone and ran away to safety somewhere else.

It felt proper to her during their last moments, that his death be kept to her alone-that his memorial be hers to remember...that their beginning and their end together be cherished in their solitude in each other's company.

She felt the right to at least hold a ceremony alone. To be the one who buried him, the only one who knows where he really is...He would have wanted his last moments for how his life ended-an oni in only her company and that of a demon to be theirs alone.

It was something she knew only she and the other men who had already passed would understand, they would have done the same.

She had decided. Chizuru was going to bury him somewhere.

Chizuru would find Etomoto and Otoori-san and share Hijikata's fate, without the Oni intervention. She had no idea how to get back, but when she found the men who had kept her in Hijikata's company, she would ensure that his memory go with dignity, and that no one forget him and what he had done at the cost of his life-and hers.

Chizuru remembered Hijikata mentioning his birthplace. Coincidence had it they were both born in the same area. It seemed fitted. She would find the greatest Sakura tree and bury him beside it in her memory of their first meeting, and to honor him-both in pure modesty of his relation, and of his death.

Just as Chizuru was about to move, she noticed two pieces of parchment poking out from his coat.

One was written to her...and the other to whom she assumed was supposed to be his current lord or comrade in arms who outlived him.

The first note she took, wiping her eyes as she opened it.

"_Chizuru.._

_I wanted to write this, in case for some reason, I do not see you after this battle. I just want to thank you for everything...I had no idea how much I needed you. If it weren't for you, I think I would be lost. You gave me a new light even if you did not notice. In honesty, I want to say something else as well, and I hope I can say it in person...because it is a rather pressing concern-_

_The words continued further down._

_I think somewhere along this road, I've fallen in love with you. Please don't cry. If I've passed on-your tears will make me sad...I just wanted what was best for you, I wanted you to live a peaceful life-to forget about the war, the blood, and those we've lost time and again-that was a burden only I should have carried, but you carried it without hesitation. You were always out for me, and I just wanted to see you live another day. I hoped that if I let you go, you would continue to smile like you always have, and move on. That would have made me relieved...yet also deep down I'm glad your with me._

_Please do not rush your death. I broke a promise to die before I should have, including yours to Heisuke and Sannan-san. Forgive me. I believe I had little time left, even if I was alive right now._

_I hope I died in honor, and that no matter what, I'll always be with you, even if you forget about me...but I don't believe it's like you to forget. Make sure you eat something...that's hypocritical, isn't it?_

_Make sure you don't die wastefully, don't let our deaths be your own-after you grieve, please live for me. I just want to see that smiling face, but if you crash, I'll be here for you, because I'd never leave you alone. _

_Until we meet again,_

_Hijikata, your lover._

_I promise that unless the destination I go to is like hell, I'll save a place for you...but if I know you, you will follow regardless of the destination...just make sure you are okay with it, I can't hurt you twice when I'm dead or else I might have to hurt myself, you are far too precious to me._

_Love Hijikata._

_Please in my death, raise the banner high for all of us. Your heart is on this banner too, it belongs to you as well. Take care._

Chizuru sobbed, smiling meekly. He went through so much to make sure she knew his feelings even if He could not tell her.

"You think you can say that? Telling me to eat...your the one that needs to eat" she sobbed lightly.

"I'll miss you..."

She looked at his silent face. Chizuru caressed it, the face that was once alive for her to hold. She leaned over and kissed his lips, with no regard for death, and held his head in her arms with what was their last embrace.

Chizuru did not open the second letter. It was not addressed to her, but she was hoping the one who opens it would let her see-she wanted to know his entire will, his every last word. Just to hear him again...

She tucked the second letter away in a pocket, and carefully folded her own and hid hers in her jacket where it would not fall. This was her momento, her most precious object.

.

To be continued in chapter 4.

To this day, no one knew where Hijikata was buried.


End file.
